A Sister's Love

I don't really like birthdays that much because it's a scientific method of counting your way out of future existence. But I like when birthdays linger into days, weeks even a month. My sister and mom took me out for my birthday on the 27th of March, when my birthday is on the 1st. It was the first time in our lifetimes that all three of us had dinner together ALONE, without husbands, children and others. We had a great time and we laughed a lot, which I needed.

I am the older sister, but my sister sometimes acts like she is. Her demeanor, her lifestyle, even her style, scream "older" and I sometimes feel like a kid, irresponsible, childish, and out of control. My sister gave me a beautiful silk scarf from artist Laurel Burch and I thought, wow a scarf, this is pretty, but I don't really wear scarves. Then she explained why she gave me the scarf, it was a beautiful palette of purples and blues and it had horses on it. She said that she always remembered how much I loved horses and that the scarf reminded her of our childhood. That made me fall in love with that scarf immediately! We are 4 years apart. I did love horses when I was a kid, my whole room was filled with posters of them, my bookshelves filled with books about them, I had a horse collection from Breyer and I even had them on my shirts. When I was 12 I actually had a horse for a little while (That's another story).

I wasn't the best sister, I tortured her, I threatened her with harm if she told about my boyfriends, I left when I was 15 (not willingly), then we lost touch and she moved to Alaska where we corresponded via snail mail and then we got close again. We missed huge chunks of each other's lives, but are trying hard to catch up. She wrote me an amazing card, but I don't feel like I deserve it. She said that I was there for her, but I don't believe it. I remember feeling guilty for not being there for her. She says she looks up to me, I don't see anything extraordinary that she should look up to. If anything I look up to her. She has accomplished so much in her life, things that I admire, that inspire me and that makes me envy her. I am proud that she is my sister and I am humbled that she admires me. I am often ashamed of my life and wish there was a delete button that can erase the past, but people tell me it's part of the journey of who I have become so it's important.

My goal is to appreciate my life for now, after all I'm 1/2 way to 90 or 5 years away to a 1/2 century. To love my sister as much as I can and to live up to what she sees. I love you T and you are also a part of me, one of the best parts of me. You are beautiful, never doubt it!